The Beauty of Doing What Can Only Be Done Now

Years ago, I sat in my quiet apartment, spoon-feeding Gerber sweet potatoes to my first baby and wishing desperately for a more exciting life.  Traveling to Italy, participating in productivity seminars, getting a Masters in Communication from USC--even having some reason to run a carpool sounded much more enticing than the constant work of running our little household and responding to the needs of a very active (and, I must add, darling) baby girl.
Mine is one of the most common stories ever told: I was thrilled to have a baby--then surprised by how hard it was to be a mother.  I was committed to doing the best I could, and I loved my family, but in the back of my head, I really wanted something "more."  To sum it up, I wanted to reach every single one of my lifetime goals at the same time.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself about a lesson I learned recently at our local Denny's restaurant.  I know--who would expect the children's coloring page to have a profound effect on my life?  Well, it did, and I'd like to share it with you (because maybe these ideas will lesson the angst you're feeling about life right now).
This picture below shows two Space Sprockets.

You pop out the colorful templates on the right, and you place them over the blank sprockets on the left.  The readied sprocket looks like this:

You simply pick one of the stars on the perimeter and line it up with the North Star on the blank sprocket.  Then you color in the parts of the template that match the color of the star.  Below, you'll see how the red star is lined up with the North Star.  This is when you would hold the sprocket steady and color in those red designs below.  Pretty simple, right?

Here's how it looks:

Once all the red spots have been filled, you rotate the sprocket to the next star (in this case, green), and you proceed to color the green areas of the template.

After the third rotation, the image looks like this:

And by the end, it looks like this:

Isn't that a nice-looking meteor?  My eight-year-old made his using four colors, so you can see how each part contributed to the final image.

If you get mixed up, there's a little answer key on the back to show you how your picture is supposed to look.

Where on earth am I going with this?

Our lives are metaphorically divided up into a series of colored-star periods.  Depending on our unique situations and the speed of our growth, the number of stars varies, but each of us can look back and identify many "times and seasons" of our lives.

It's tempting to want to have/do/be everything all at once, but if we do, our Space Sprocket will end up looking like a haphazard scribble.  Does this look anything like a meteor to you?

Instead, each of us gets to identify our "North Star" (a very Stephen Covey-ish principle that I love) and figure out what, exactly, we need to be doing within that season of our lives.  This isn't rocket science (no pun intended); it simply requires that we step back, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves, "What do I need and want to do that can only be done now?"

I feel very fortunate to have "kind of" figured that out while I was still spooning out sweet potatoes.  Here's what I did:

• I sat down one day and wrote, "Before I can be ready for more, what do I need to learn to do well?"  I then made a list of about 20 habits and skills I could develop in harmony with my current responsibilities and family situation.  And I started working on them.
• I used my quiet time to read, think, create "Family Idea Binders," interview mothers I admired, and seriously plan for the future (knowing that there would certainly come a time when we would have two cars, and when my children would go off to school, and when I wouldn't be wiping up a mess every 45 seconds.  I am now there).
• I cherished my baby (and the babies I've had since then).  We have hours and hours of home movies where I captured their sweet expressions, their giggles, their favorite toys, and their delight at experiencing life for the first time.  I hugged them, kissed them, and danced with them.  Now, my oldest is turning 12 and my youngest is turning 4.  Though it pains me to think that 14 years from now, I could be an empty-nester, because I've done my best to color in the "assigned parts" of my Space Sprocket, I know we're all ready to move on.

The end result (which I haven't yet reached, but which I can see taking shape) is that we'll create lives that are beautiful.  We'll have lived lives that made sense--that had some order to them.  We'll be able to look back and see how we were progressing--even if it felt like our work could have been replaced by an automatic sweet potato-disher-outer.

This type of thinking, in my opinion, is essential to mothers.  I hear countless women lamenting the fact that their work as "unappreciated, mundane, and invisible."  Of course these mothers won't feel a sense of progress at the end of the day if they see it that way, but what if we looked at our family work a little more closely?  What if we stopped trying to color in all the wrong places and focused instead on the meaning of the work we need to be doing right now? 

Italy isn't going anywhere, but my children won't always beg for bedtime back tickles.  Productivity seminars happen just about every day somewhere in the world, but dinnertime kitchen dancing with my children is probably closer to its end than I know. I'm going to have years to work on a computer and get more education, but I won't always be able to play "House" with my girls.  These are the things I need to cherish now.

I still get impatient with my life.  I want to see my Vision Board come to fruition, I want to check all the tasks off my "Someday" list, and I want the not-so-fun parts of motherhood to end, but when I start getting all worked up, I think of my Space Sprockets.  I ask myself what needs to happen right now, and even though I don't have an Answer Key in front of me, I feel confident that the focused energy I'm devoting to my family right now is central to the beautiful life picture I'm going to create.

QUESTION: What, in your life, can only be done right now?

CHALLENGE: Identify 10 habits and skills that would benefit your whole family if you were to focus on them right now.  Then make those habits and skills a central part of your life.

My Future as a Professional Dancer

I know it must seem a little cryptic as I talk about what's "really" been going on around here, but I promise I'll get to it (this post is a start). To most people, it wouldn't be that big of a deal,  but for me, it's been monumental. 

Basically, I feel like I've finally learned some key components to feeling genuinely happy about life.  I didn't even cry during my most difficult days this month (my husband was deeply impressed).

I feel optimistic, excited, comfortable with my weaknesses, yet motivated to be better.  I feel a greater desire to draw close to the Lord, and I hear His voice more often.  I'm dancing around my house and singing while I work (I haven't noticed myself singing for a couple of months).  My relationships with my husband and children are stronger, and I know that even though life isn't easy, it's an incredible experience.

Below, I've included a post that will be published on DeseretNews.com next Tuesday (and The Power of Moms sometime around there, as well).  It details my future as a professional dancer (not really . . ..  You'll see).  This blog is part of my "dance," so sometimes I'll post often, and sometimes I won't, but it's fun to write, and I appreciate you being here with me.

Love,
April




Dance Through Motherhood

 

Rarely does a story stick with me for 10 years, but this one (told to me by my friend Pam) has: One day, a boy walked into a room where an older man wearing head phones was dancing like crazy.  It was almost embarrassing to watch as he waved his arms, bounced his knees, and wiggled his body with incredible enthusiasm. The boy noticed a second set of head phones in the room, and since this man was obviously enjoying himself, the boy put the head phones on his own ears and tried to replicate what the older man was doing.

He shook his arms, bounced his knees, and attempted to wiggle his body exactly like this man, but after a few minutes, the boy got tired (and a little disgusted), threw the head phones onto the ground, and stomped out the door.  What was the problem?

He hadn’t turned on the music. 

Can you relate?
I often look around and see "perfect" mothers dancing it up, but when I try to recreate their "dance," I end up frustrated and exhausted, just like the boy with the head phones. 

If you're like me, you desperately need to dance.  There's something inside you that's itching to love your work, love your life, and spend your time doing what you were meant to do. 

Does that work with motherhood?  Yes it does--and since learning to dance and teaching others to dance is one of my main purposes in life, let's begin.

Part 1: Create your dance floor.

There's a reason why your Senior Prom wasn't held in the midst of a crowded warehouse.  You've got to have space to dance.  I've spent the past three weeks creating that space in my life, and for me, it involved de-junking my house (and creating a new system to keep it de-junked), spending some serious time doing Mind Organization for Moms, and building reliable (but not unattainable) systems into my life so the everyday routines and responsibilities aren't such a drain on my dancing energy.  For more on that, you can join our Mind Organization for Moms community, and I'll tell you all about it.   

Part of this dance-floor creation also involved letting go of unrealistic expectations I'd set for myself.  Anna Quindlen, in her book Being Perfect, describes it as "carrying a backpack filled with bricks every single day" (p. 11).  Let's unite here and unanimously agree to set these bricks down.

I'm not the type of person who ever wants to settle for mediocrity, but honestly, some things aren't worth stressing over (Saren has a great article on that HERE). 

Tonight, we've invited a family to our home, and the mother is a concert violinist.  My husband arranged for her to bring her violin so she could show our children how she plays it.  He also arranged for me to play a duet with her (me on the piano), and he'd like to videotape it for our children. 

I have been a mess all morning.  I'm not a concert pianist.  I've practiced this piece more than 50 times in the past month, but I keep stumbling over the last two pages.  I've rehearsed dozens of explanations in my head that I can use when I mess up.   I've even considered purposely draining the battery on the video camera so my embarrassment can't be recorded. 

But then I realized that it doesn't matter if I don't play as well as I'd like.  I'll enjoy the experience, smile when I make a mistake (or 40), and even let my husband videotape the experience so my children can know it's okay not to be perfect. 

"The perfect mother (the toughest of all the ideals to imagine!) makes other women feel like failures simply by showing up and showing off" (Quindlen, p.35).  We can help each other so much more by showing our imperfections (and how we try to improve them), than by trying to show everyone how perfect we are.  And letting go of this desire to be perfect at everything is giving me space to dance.

Part 2: Hear the music.
Head phones aren't necessary to hear the music of motherhood, but an open heart is.  Too many voices are out there screaming that women are oppressed by motherhood or that the life of a mom is boring, mundane, and only suitable for the uneducated woman who doesn't know any better.  That's simply not true.  It's just that the women who feel that way are trying to do the "head phone dance" without hearing the rhythm and melody that compels a woman to live and mother deliberately.

Our goal at The Power of Moms is to broadcast the music.  I think of the website as a radio station, playing songs meant to strengthen the hearts and homes of women who want to have an incredible motherhood experience. 

Reading and listening to resources from The Power of Moms, inspiring blogs, websites, books, movies, and other places, helps me hear the music every day--because I need it every day.  I also connect to God each morning and ask Him to help me hear what I need to hear.

The music isn't that hard to find, but just like a radio, you've got to be tuned in to hear it.

Part 3: Develop your core.
"Someday, sometime, you will be sitting somewhere.  A berm over-looking a pond in Vermont.  The lip of the Grand Canyon at sunset.  A seat on the subway.  And something bad will have happened: You will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something at which you badly wanted to succeed.

"And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself.  You will look for some core to sustain you.  And if you have been perfect all your life and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where that core ought to be" (Quindlen, p. 47-48).

I meet far too many women who say that the moment their last child starts first grade or leaves for college, they look around their empty house and say, "Now what?"  If our cores are not being nurtured from the start, there won't be anything left when we finally have the time to do something with it. 

I have to invest some time every day developing the person inside the mom, but that doesn't mean simply imitating what everyone else is doing because "nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great, ever came out of imitations.  What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."  (Quindlen, p.15)

I like to write.  I like to organize.  I like to study and learn and then teach others the ideas that have inspired me.  I like the energy that comes from gathering large groups of like-minded people together.  I like to help mothers change their thinking.  I like to do things that leave others feeling surprised and delighted.  That is how I take care of my core.

Anna Quindlen suggests this: "look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: Because they are what I want, or wish for.  Because they reflect who and what I am."

Certainly, not every part of my life will be fun, but it will have purpose.  I clean bathrooms because I want a beautiful home.  I get up at 5:37 with my three-year-old because I want him to feel loved and cherished.  However, there are a thousand things I simply don't do because they don't reflect who I am.  I only post a blog when I have something specific to say--even though daily blogging is a "rule."  I don't sign my children up for lots of activities because it leaves me stressed and anxious, and I don't think that's the kind of mom they want to live with. 

When we live beautiful lives, reflective of who we are at our cores, we give the world a powerful gift.
Part 4: Dance with everything you've got.
Trying to conform to this image of what is perfect "requires a kind of lockstep.  Look at the word; imagine it in your mind's eye, the forced march of the fearful, the physical opposite of the skip and the jump.  Doesn't it sound like something to avoid at all costs?" (Quindlen, p. 35).

I've been in this lockstep for too long.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of articles, books, programs, and breath-taking ideas inside me right now.  And as I looked closely at the cause of my recent angst, I could see that the pain of not dancing is driving me insane. 

I don't know the "right" way to blog or the "right" way to build a website that's destined to gather and strengthen deliberate mothers all over the world.  However, I know that I am much more valuable to myself, my family, and the world when I listen closely to the music and let myself dance. 

George Eliot said, "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

I'm starting again today.


QUESTION: What does it mean for you to "dance"?

CHALLENGE: Start today with Step 1 and begin creating space in your life that will enable you to live the deliberate live you've imagined.






Photo courtesy of Franciscus51 at Flickr.com  

Answers to All My Questions

My heart has been reaching beyond my physical capacities lately.  Every time my husband comes home for lunch, I'm telling him about a non-profit venture I want to start, a child at school I feel compelled to take under my wing, or a dear friend who I desperately need to visit.  

My husband and I are on the same page as far as how we want to spend our lives.  We know our time, energies, and talents weren't meant just for us, and we're willing to do whatever we can to serve God for as many years as we're permitted to stay here (though Eric's determined to cap out at 85, and I keep pushing for 100).

Although our hearts are in the right place, we can't do everything we'd like to do in one lifetime, and right now we have four little children who need us, bills to pay, and lots of responsibilities (you know the drill).

So today I was asking the Lord, "How can I be more helpful?"  And the thought came to my mind that I could share how I receive peace, comfort, and knowledge from the True Source.   

I can't be everywhere at once, but the Spirit of the Lord can, and that's actually a much better deal because God is the one who knows each of us personally, who has all power, and who knows "how to succor His people in their afflictions."  

I don't have a doctorate in Theology, and I don't have "credentials" to teach the things of God,  but I know Him.  I make it a point to connect with Him on a daily basis, and I hear His voice regularly.  I've felt timid about putting the sacred things of my heart on this blog (so there's a lot I won't say), but I hope the ideas that I'll share here from time to time will be helpful.

If you're having a tough time right now with anything in your life (which is highly likely, since all of us have struggles), the first thing you need to know is that you have a Father in Heaven who is aware of you.  He created you, He loves you, and He is available to help you receive all the blessings you need.

For today's post, I'm going to describe the process I go through to receive the answers to all my questions.  The word "all" isn't an understatement--I'll describe that more later.  

The fact is that I am just not smart enough to know how to handle all the challenges and opportunities that come my way.  I have a family who deals with "real-life" issues.   I'm in the process of building a world-wide organization for mothers that literally has the potential to change the world.  I am often placed in circumstances where I become painfully aware of my weaknesses.  Sometimes it's enough to send me back to bed before we've even gotten through breakfast.

However, this is where the Lord comes in.  

I know that He's willing to teach me everything I need to know, but I have to ask the right questions first.  I decided to write down all my questions in a Google Doc.  That way, they're password-protected, they're available from any computer, and I can easily record the answers that I receive to those questions.  If you'd like to start your first Google Doc, you just create a Google account and follow the simple instructions here.

This is a screen shot of my Google Docs Homepage.  Highlighted in the middle are "My Questions."

 

Okay, so what kinds of questions do I write down?  Here are some examples:

• How do I get more physical energy so I am not always exhausted by my children?
• How can I better learn which questions to ask?
• How can I increase the power of my prayers? 
• How can I be a better example of faith in Jesus Christ? 
• How can I learn the mysteries of the scriptures and better learn to teach through them? 
• What is the best way for me to record all I am learning/writing/doing?
• How can my husband and I truly become one in all things?
• Who, specifically, do I need to bless and love that is within my sphere of influence?
• What do I need to do to refine the time that I spend each day? 
• How can I help my children to know they're "winners" without simply teaching them the goal is to be better than everyone else?
• What can I do about __________ (a current problem that is perplexing me)?

The two guidelines I have for my questions are that they have to be about things that are essential in life and they need to be phrased in a way that puts the responsibility on me.  (I don't ask things like, "Why ME?")

Right now I have about 40 questions, and what I do is take one question each week or so and study that topic during my morning scripture study.  I read scriptures related to that topic, study the words of those who already know the answers to these kinds of things, and then pray to the Lord for inspiration.  My church's website has a great search function that brings up all kinds of wonderful material.  Then I type the answers below the questions (in green, so the answers can clearly be differentiated from the questions).

Here's the best part:

When I first typed out my questions, they all felt overwhelming.  I remember initially looking at my list and thinking, "How can I ever know all this?"  

But then something interesting started happening.  Each day as I would study and pray, I would receive a little more light.  Sometimes I had to study the same question several times before the answer started to make sense.  Sometimes the answer would come clearly and powerfully the first time I studied the topic, and I would have tears running down my cheeks as I typed the answers that I felt coming straight to my mind and heart.  The point is that I have received answers to every single question.

Now when I add a question to my list, I have full confidence that it will be answered---and that's an amazing feeling.  The answers do not always come the way I expect or the way I would like, but they're answered fully enough that I know that God is communicating to me in a way that I can understand and apply.  

There are so many wonderful things that each of us can do while we're here.  I don't want to waste my time feeling sorry for myself or frustrated with my inadequacies or distracted by things that don't really matter.  I want to pay close attention to what's happening around me, I want to ask God for wisdom, and I want to do whatever I can to serve Him.  

At The Power of Moms, we end each article with a challenge, and I think I'll do the same here.  Take some time this week and write down your questions.  Don't hold back--put them all in there.  And then start with the hardest--or the easiest--and let God show you that He knows you, loves you, and wants to take very, very good care of you.

All my love,

April

More Fun

I decided recently that I need a little more fun in my life.  Not that taking pictures of office supplies (for the new version of my Mind Organization program) isn't fun,

 

but in the middle of all this organization, writing, website work, and housework, I've got to enjoy what I have around me.  

Part of this means that I need to find the fun in everyday situations--like when I see Storm Troopers napping under a little parasol (with their weapons handy, of course).

 

Another part of having fun means I need to get outside my house and enjoy time with the people I love most  (I'm a good worker, but not such a good relaxer).  When we lived in Boston, we'd get bundled up and go ride the subway into the downtown area or visit one of the thousands of museums in the area. 

We don't have many museums within an hour's drive, but we do have beaches, so a few weeks ago, we found this great bike shop in Newport and went about selecting some rentals for the day.

 

We put Spencer on the back of this beach cruiser, and he rode happily for four hours.  (We're now in the market for one of these.)

   

Riding up and down the beach was the most fun we've had in a long time.  Grace said, "I couldn't stop smiling the whole day.  Everyone must have thought I was weird because I just smiled and smiled and smiled!" (We've lived 35 minutes from here for six years.  Why have we never done this before?)

I don't know why I forget to incorporate more fun into my life.  Maybe it's because I really do enjoy my work, and I don't notice that I'm not getting enough fresh air and downtime.  Maybe it's because I feel guilty when I'm not being "productive."  Or maybe it's because I forget that having a good time with your loved ones is being productive.  

It also might be because for the past five years, I've had some pretty bad health problems, and I spent many, many Saturdays in bed.  This is the first year I have felt really healthy in my entire married life, and I can't even begin to explain the difference. 

I've noticed, though, that my life is simply happier when I take the time (and invest a little money) to have fun.  (Could there BE a more obvious lesson I needed to learn?)

We went to my favorite restaurant after our bike riding, and I took this picture that strikes me at the heart every time I see it:

 

These little children (and my husband) are "the main thing" to me.  My task list will always be full.  There will always be laundry to do and emails to answer and projects to tackle, but these children are growing up way too fast, and I never want them to wonder if they mattered to me more than anything else in the world. 

Would you mind sharing some fun, simple ways that you enjoy time together as a family? 

Love,

April

A Favorite Motherhood Video

This talk by Jeffrey R. Holland (from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) is one of my very favorites. I've been reading and re-reading it for years, but it meant so much more as I watched these precious video clips alongside the audio recording of the talk.

This counsel (referring to our reliance on Jesus Christ) has echoed in my ears more times than I can count: "Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever." That is sometimes the only thing that holds me together--knowing that I don't have to do any of this alone.

I also love the part of this video that references the angels who watch over mothers. Even though I don't see angels walking the halls of my home, I feel a special protection and the love of God here with me.

Motherhood is more wonderful than I ever imagined. I have a very messy garage right now, stacks of laundry are waiting for me in the laundry room, my children had more "screen time" today than I want to calculate, and I made dozens of parenting mistakes tonight, but I'm doing the best I can, and I know that the Lord honors that

It's Easier Not to Do Anything

This morning I wanted 20 minutes of "alone time" to follow along with an exercise DVD.  My children had eaten breakfast, they were happily playing with toys, and my husband was downstairs reading, so I carried my laptop upstairs where I locked myself in my room and proceeded to do jumping jacks, push-ups, etc.

Five minutes into the routine, my two-year-old made somebody mad, squealing emerged from multiple mouths, and my husband needed to start getting ready for work (I was totally in his way).  My son started pounding on the bedroom door, pleading with me to come downstairs, and my husband tried to coerce him to go play for just a few more minutes until Mommy was done exercising.

Dripping with sweat and feeling sufficiently annoyed with the circumstances, I said, "It would be easier if I didn't exercise."

My husband got a smile on his face and said, "Yes.  Yes it would."  And I knew what he was thinking.  Life would be easier if we didn't try to do hard things (that's a no-brainer), but we're not looking for easy.  We're looking for progress.  And progress requires work.

This photo below makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  The other morning, I woke up early to study my scriptures and get some work done on Power of Moms and the classes I'm teaching at BYU Idaho's Education Week at the end of this month.  Here I am at 7:10 a.m. in all my glory--no make-up, my hair back in a ponytail, sitting in my office, which is currently stacked with books, boxes, and all kinds of things my husband and I are processing.

What usually happens is this:  Spencer (age 2) wakes up at 5:30, and I take him downstairs where he gets a diaper change, a sippy cup of milk, and his choice of a cartoon (usually Barney or Diego).  Then my older children wake up, join Spencer downstairs, eat some cereal, and then play with toys, read, etc. for a little while.

Then when they are tired of that, they all come sit right next to me and "help" me work.  Spencer likes to type on the computer, so I tell him which letters to push (I type 10, he types 1, and so on...).  The girls like to know what I'm working on, so I read them my notes, show them my PowerPoints, and ask for advice on making my classes or articles more interesting.

Then when I feel like I'm going crazy (usually about three minutes into this process), I shut the computer, and we all go downstairs to get the day started.

Would it be easier if I didn't try to do anything "extra"?  Do I sometimes feel like I'm about to go insane?  But do I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now?  Yes on all counts.

Life requires a struggle, but I don't need to be afraid of struggle.  It has the power to strengthen us, help us become a little more bold, and give us a few more reasons to be happy.

So next time you think, "It would be easier if I didn't __________," just smile, recommit yourself to excellence, and say, "Yes.  Yes it would."

The Best Gift I Can Give My Children is My Time

I feel totally strapped for time lately.  The older I get, the more responsibilities I have, and it seems like every moment offers a thousand things to do--all of them "good" uses of my time.  

What I've found, however, is that I find more purpose and meaning in my life when I give my children a gift they crave--uninterrupted time with Mom.

It hasn't been easy to do this, and I'm far from perfect, but here are some things that are working for us right now--even in the midst of our chaos, and even though I'm busier now than I've ever been in my life.

(1) I occasionally let my children alternate who gets to stay up a little bit later for some one-on-one time.  My two-year-old demands it from me all day, so he goes right to bed after our stories, prayers, and lullabies (my FAVORITE time of the day with him...so cute).  Then my three oldest take turns staying up and choosing an activity they want to do for 20-25 minutes.  

One evening, my daughter Alia wanted to look through some coins her great-grandpa gave us for Christmas.  He even gave us this cool magnifying glass you can wear on your head.  Is that not so fun?

I had to take a turn.

We don't always go through boxes of coins.  Sometimes we just sit on my bed and snuggle.  Other times, we play a game, listen to music, or paint our toenails.  And we don't do this every night--maybe once a week.  It's been great, though--a time to build memories and really enjoy being together.

I've discovered that the activity is irrelevant.  What ends up happening is that we talk about things that are on their minds--things like relationships with their friends at school, weird things they've been hearing on the playground, or the "facts of life."  There are so many things my children won't say while I'm dishing up dinner or driving to the park.  The setting has got to be right.

(2)  We alternate "date nights" between mom and dad and each of the children.

Date 1: Dad and Alia
Date 2: Mom and Grace
Date 3: Dad and Ethan
Date 4: Mom and Alia
Date 5: Dad and Grace
Date 6: Mom and Ethan

The budget is $5, the time allotment is about 90 minutes, and the benefits are unbelievable.  We talk about these dates all the time--even though they only happen once or twice a month.  Our family feels close.  We love being together, and we look forward to spending time one-on-one.  I love it.

(3) One final thing I'll mention is that my husband and I both try to take advantage of the "little moments" of the day.  Whenever our children sit down by us, we hug them and kiss them and say, "Do you know how much I love you?"

When someone asks a serious question, we try to drop everything we can to sit and answer it clearly.

When someone feels sad or misunderstood or excited to share something important, we stop and take the time to really listen.

I don't know if I'll ever be perfect at this, but the more I try, the better it gets.  We're juggling messes and whining and bickering and mistakes all day long, but somehow those things don't seem to matter when the most important things are in the right place.

If anyone has any other ideas to add, I'd love to hear them.  I learn so much from my online friends, and I know my children will appreciate any advice you have to offer.  We all will!

How the Power of Moms Retreat Made Me a New Mom

It has been such a boost these past couple of weeks to hear how the June Power of Moms Retreat has been an influence for good in the lives of our attendees.  It takes more hours than I can count to run this website/organization, and it means so much to know that all this work matters to someone out there. 

What's great is that the Retreat also made ME a new mom!  I've noticed that since I returned from St. George, I'm more patient, I'm more excited about life, I feel less alone during the hard times, and I feel such a hope for the future.  Just sitting in the same room with 30 motivated, dedicated, talented women helped me to see what's possible as I raise my children, and that vision isn't something you can buy.  

One specific skill I learned at the Retreat (which I want to write as ReTreat--because it was such a treat!) is how to look at the "sticky points" of my day and create solutions.  Some of the practical solutions I learned over the weekend are as follows:

• When I want my two-year-old to open his mouth while I brush his teeth, all I need to do is ask him to repeat a series of funny noises that necessitate him opening his mouth.  It works like a charm...no more wrestling at bedtime.
• When my children are grumpy in the car, I ask them what special treat/privilege they'd like when we get home, and I invite them to sit nicely so they can have that treat.  (It was amazing to see a whole van load of children calm down when they had a reason to do so.)
• When one of my children whines to me in the car, I ask them to start over and say, "Mother Dearest..."  (That one always makes us smile.)
• When I see a child who has clearly "had it" for the day, I give him/her a chance to calm down: "Sweetie, go take a shower, eat a snack, and rest for 30 minutes in your bed until dinnertime."  Why should I let cranky children keep getting more cranky?
• When Spencer (my two-year-old) won't obey, I make it a game.  Fun and games is the key for preschoolers, according to Linda Eyre, and she's right!  Instead of getting upset with him when he wants to run all over the store parking lot, I ask him questions like, "Can you pull that HEAVY door open?  Are you strong?"  Or if he wants to play in the van instead of coming into the house, I redirect him toward something interesting in the front yard: "Wow--what color is that leaf?"  or "Want to help me find the BIG trashcan?"  Allyson came to church with me after we returned from Saren's house, and she helped Spencer stay calm through the meeting by making funny faces at him.  It was wonderful!

Being at the ReTreat helped me to see that there are tons of solutions out there that aren't difficult to implement.  I used to get flustered when my children acted like children, but now I think, "What would make this situation better?"  

Shawni gave me a great little tip that involves writing on my children's fingers.  You just grab a pen and one of your children's hands, and you put one letter on the tip of each finger--each letter representing one thing you love about that child.  I've been asking each child to come up with two things they love about themselves, and then I add three more.  They keep trying to make the letters spell something funny, and they get SO excited whenever I do this.  Thanks for the idea, Shawni!  Here's Alia, practicing the piano with her labeled hand:

And then Grace decided that I needed letters written on my hand, as well.  So cute of her.

My life isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  I've been in tears at least three times this past week as I've felt overwhelmed and exhausted with everything going on (a busy last week of school, a little boy who wakes up between 4:50 and 5:30 every morning--screaming, lots of messes, and lots of projects I want desperately to finish but can't quite manage right now), but through it all, I do feel happy. I know that everything will work out, and I know that if I keep trying, keep hanging in there, and keep taking my naps, this process of motherhood will be the best experience I can imagine.

My children are 10, 8, 7, and 2, but I am a new mom.

Seeing Clearly

This morning I was working on a class for the Power of Moms Retreat coming up on June 11th.   Saren and I will be team-teaching a session called "Taking Care of the Person Inside the Mom," and we're dividing it up into spiritual, physical, and mental aspects of "personhood."

One quotation we are going to discuss is by Adlin Sinclair: "You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon.  To change your circumstances you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions."

Sometimes changing our circumstances doesn't mean becoming more wealthy, more talented, more involved in the community, or more like all the people we admire (in the possessions we acquire, the clothes we wear, the causes we support, etc.).  Sometimes the best way to change our circumstances is to change the way we look at our lives and to finally begin to see things clearly.

Saren sent me an email tonight telling me that one of our Retreat attendees is looking to figure out how to "get it all done":  

"There is SO much that we as moms need to do right?  Right now, I am stressing over my three-month supply, mind organization for mothers, house cleaning, decluttering, exercise, cooking, the list could go on and on and on. I want to be a mom that can do it all. Sometimes I think that I should and could do it all.

"In my sane mind, I can see that doing it all is not possible all the time. Sure, I hope to come home with some better ideas on how to do some of the important things we need to accomplish. But today I had the thought that what I hope to get out of this retreat is that I am who I am, and I need to learn how to be happy with that. I love my children, I love being a mom, I love my husband, I have a good life, and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to be "trying" so hard all the time. 

"So the question on my mind is this... How can I learn to be content and enjoy my life?

"I'm not one that strives for mediocracy, or is happy just living.  I'm constantly pushing my limits, trying to do better, trying to learn how to be better, trying to be like this person or having what this mom has.  I truly do like setting goals, and trying to improve. But seriously, should life be full of pushing ourselves? Or is there a line and a balance of trying, but not trying so hard we end up being discouraged?"

This email struck such a chord with me because I have felt this way so many times.  I know that progression is essential to life, but it absolutely must be balanced with having joy.  My husband frequently reminds me of two scriptures that teach us to be anxiously engaged in a good cause without running faster than we have strength.  In fact, the whole reason I'm so excited about Mind Organization for Moms is because it is the first system that has actually allowed me to move forward with my goals without feeling stressed out.  But I'm still not a master at seeing my life clearly.

Back to that quotation by Sinclair, we ARE the embodiment of the information we choose to accept and act upon.  My mother taught this to me beautifully the other day.  I visited her at the hospital for a couple of hours while she was recovering from a knee replacement surgery, and she was asking me how I was doing (that's just like my mom...asking ME how I am while SHE'S in the hospital bed).  

I opened my heart to her and said, "Mom, I'm trying so hard, but I feel like I'm failing so often.  Like today...I had these great intentions of teaching my girls piano lessons and playing with the children after school, and then I felt so tired, I just collapsed on the couch and cat-napped while they played with the train set and took turns on the computer."

My mom looked me in the eye and said, "April, you don't really believe you're failing, do you?"

"Well, yes, sometimes I do."

And then she said those words that I was aching to hear, "You must not listen to that negative voice for one minute.  If you sit still, you'll hear another voice--a more powerful voice--telling you that you are doing a wonderful job."

She continued her pep talk for a couple more minutes, and I said, "Mom, I need a tape recorder of you telling me that."

To which she replied, "No, you don't need a tape recorder.  You KNOW this.  It's in your heart.  It's inside you from everything you have been taught.  It's everything that you are."

I couldn't stop the tears as I walked out to the hospital parking lot that evening.  She's right.  In spite of all the voices that are out there telling mothers that we're not doing enough or being enough, there is a quiet, more powerful, more accurate voice that helps us to see our lives clearly.  It helps us to know what we need to improve, but it isn't a harsh, critical voice.  It is one that sees us as who we really are and who we're meant to be, and it is THAT voice that I am going to accept and act upon.  It breaks my heart to think of so many moms (including myself) who get so confused by the whirlwind of life that they forget how needed they are, how important they are, and how irreplaceable they are...just the WAY they are.  I think it's time for all of us to start seeing things clearly.

A Great Way to Wake Up!

What's the first thing that goes through your head when you wake up in the morning?

"Already!"
"Who's crying?"
"Someone needs a diaper change!"

(That's what I'm always thinking....) But I've learned a better way.

Click here for a great video that has been my inspiration.

Now I put on a big smile, do a little dance, and say, "I love my family!  I love my house.  I love my husband.  I love my children.  I love my website.  I love my friends.  I love my church.  I love EVERYTHING!"

And you know what?  Somehow that makes the day start out just right.

I'm Saying Yes!

This photograph has had a huge impact on me this week.  My new friend Catherine Arveseth (who I can't wait to meet someday) wrote a beautiful essay on The Power of Moms called "Say Yes."

Can you guess what she "said yes to" in the photo above?

I've been working on "saying no" lately--so I won't completely overschedule myself and end up as an exhausted tyrant at the end of the day, but Catherine's beautiful essay reminded me that there are lots of things to which I can respond with a big, huge YES!

Usually it's something like, "Can we drink this with a straw?" or "Will you put these shorts on your head and wear them as a hat?"  Yesterday we made an extra trip to the store because my girls were DYING to buy little presents for their grandma's birthday (She's got a green teddy bear and some chapstick coming her way).

Saying yes does feel good.  It reminds me how exciting the world felt when I was a child and gives me a chance to give my children the experiences they'll remember forever.  Thanks, Catherine!