The Beauty of Doing What Can Only Be Done Now

Years ago, I sat in my quiet apartment, spoon-feeding Gerber sweet potatoes to my first baby and wishing desperately for a more exciting life.  Traveling to Italy, participating in productivity seminars, getting a Masters in Communication from USC--even having some reason to run a carpool sounded much more enticing than the constant work of running our little household and responding to the needs of a very active (and, I must add, darling) baby girl.
Mine is one of the most common stories ever told: I was thrilled to have a baby--then surprised by how hard it was to be a mother.  I was committed to doing the best I could, and I loved my family, but in the back of my head, I really wanted something "more."  To sum it up, I wanted to reach every single one of my lifetime goals at the same time.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself about a lesson I learned recently at our local Denny's restaurant.  I know--who would expect the children's coloring page to have a profound effect on my life?  Well, it did, and I'd like to share it with you (because maybe these ideas will lesson the angst you're feeling about life right now).
This picture below shows two Space Sprockets.

You pop out the colorful templates on the right, and you place them over the blank sprockets on the left.  The readied sprocket looks like this:

You simply pick one of the stars on the perimeter and line it up with the North Star on the blank sprocket.  Then you color in the parts of the template that match the color of the star.  Below, you'll see how the red star is lined up with the North Star.  This is when you would hold the sprocket steady and color in those red designs below.  Pretty simple, right?

Here's how it looks:

Once all the red spots have been filled, you rotate the sprocket to the next star (in this case, green), and you proceed to color the green areas of the template.

After the third rotation, the image looks like this:

And by the end, it looks like this:

Isn't that a nice-looking meteor?  My eight-year-old made his using four colors, so you can see how each part contributed to the final image.

If you get mixed up, there's a little answer key on the back to show you how your picture is supposed to look.

Where on earth am I going with this?

Our lives are metaphorically divided up into a series of colored-star periods.  Depending on our unique situations and the speed of our growth, the number of stars varies, but each of us can look back and identify many "times and seasons" of our lives.

It's tempting to want to have/do/be everything all at once, but if we do, our Space Sprocket will end up looking like a haphazard scribble.  Does this look anything like a meteor to you?

Instead, each of us gets to identify our "North Star" (a very Stephen Covey-ish principle that I love) and figure out what, exactly, we need to be doing within that season of our lives.  This isn't rocket science (no pun intended); it simply requires that we step back, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves, "What do I need and want to do that can only be done now?"

I feel very fortunate to have "kind of" figured that out while I was still spooning out sweet potatoes.  Here's what I did:

• I sat down one day and wrote, "Before I can be ready for more, what do I need to learn to do well?"  I then made a list of about 20 habits and skills I could develop in harmony with my current responsibilities and family situation.  And I started working on them.
• I used my quiet time to read, think, create "Family Idea Binders," interview mothers I admired, and seriously plan for the future (knowing that there would certainly come a time when we would have two cars, and when my children would go off to school, and when I wouldn't be wiping up a mess every 45 seconds.  I am now there).
• I cherished my baby (and the babies I've had since then).  We have hours and hours of home movies where I captured their sweet expressions, their giggles, their favorite toys, and their delight at experiencing life for the first time.  I hugged them, kissed them, and danced with them.  Now, my oldest is turning 12 and my youngest is turning 4.  Though it pains me to think that 14 years from now, I could be an empty-nester, because I've done my best to color in the "assigned parts" of my Space Sprocket, I know we're all ready to move on.

The end result (which I haven't yet reached, but which I can see taking shape) is that we'll create lives that are beautiful.  We'll have lived lives that made sense--that had some order to them.  We'll be able to look back and see how we were progressing--even if it felt like our work could have been replaced by an automatic sweet potato-disher-outer.

This type of thinking, in my opinion, is essential to mothers.  I hear countless women lamenting the fact that their work as "unappreciated, mundane, and invisible."  Of course these mothers won't feel a sense of progress at the end of the day if they see it that way, but what if we looked at our family work a little more closely?  What if we stopped trying to color in all the wrong places and focused instead on the meaning of the work we need to be doing right now? 

Italy isn't going anywhere, but my children won't always beg for bedtime back tickles.  Productivity seminars happen just about every day somewhere in the world, but dinnertime kitchen dancing with my children is probably closer to its end than I know. I'm going to have years to work on a computer and get more education, but I won't always be able to play "House" with my girls.  These are the things I need to cherish now.

I still get impatient with my life.  I want to see my Vision Board come to fruition, I want to check all the tasks off my "Someday" list, and I want the not-so-fun parts of motherhood to end, but when I start getting all worked up, I think of my Space Sprockets.  I ask myself what needs to happen right now, and even though I don't have an Answer Key in front of me, I feel confident that the focused energy I'm devoting to my family right now is central to the beautiful life picture I'm going to create.

QUESTION: What, in your life, can only be done right now?

CHALLENGE: Identify 10 habits and skills that would benefit your whole family if you were to focus on them right now.  Then make those habits and skills a central part of your life.

The Ups and Downs of Motherhood

Today I took Spencer with me to the grocery store, and I was amazed at how much fun it was to be with him.

• He hopped on one foot throughout about half of the aisles--with a big smile on his face.  Every few seconds he'd yell out, "I'm HOPPING!!!"  (This is a new skill.)

• He got really excited about these shamrock cookies they had on display, so I just had to give him one, and he marveled at it with huge eyes as he said, "I can eat it?  Please?"

• Then he wanted to help me bag the fruit, and he loved counting the pears, and then he showed me how he can walk backwards, and then he kissed me at least six times before we'd finished with the produce.

I thought, "Wow.  Grocery shopping is so much fun when you have a little guy with you."

And then we got home.

• Spencer didn't want to get out of the van, so he started jumping back and forth over all the seats, finally ending up in the driver's seat--which is a train wreck waiting to happen because he shoves things into the CD player (which hasn't worked for 9 months now, thanks to Spencer), and he turns on the windshield wipers, lights, etc.  I tried to grab him, and that turned into a 15-minute tantrum where I had to strap him in the stroller to keep him from hurting himself (and me), and then I had to bring in all the groceries while he screamed and kicked and wailed at the top of his lungs.  Fortunately, I have patient neighbors.

• Once he finally agreed to say, "I'm sorry I was mean Mommy, and I will choose to be nice now," I let him out of the stroller, and he helped me bring in the groceries.  Except "bringing in the groceries" means picking something out of a grocery sack and flinging it into the kitchen--yogurt, frozen veggies, sacks of peaches . . . .  Yep, we ended up with about 20 peaches (good sale) ALL over the garage floor, and then he wanted to pick them all up HIMSELF while I held the bag for him, and that took about 3 minutes.  

• But finally, I got him some food, and he calmed down, and it's now naptime.

Isn't motherhood fun?

More Fun

I decided recently that I need a little more fun in my life.  Not that taking pictures of office supplies (for the new version of my Mind Organization program) isn't fun,

 

but in the middle of all this organization, writing, website work, and housework, I've got to enjoy what I have around me.  

Part of this means that I need to find the fun in everyday situations--like when I see Storm Troopers napping under a little parasol (with their weapons handy, of course).

 

Another part of having fun means I need to get outside my house and enjoy time with the people I love most  (I'm a good worker, but not such a good relaxer).  When we lived in Boston, we'd get bundled up and go ride the subway into the downtown area or visit one of the thousands of museums in the area. 

We don't have many museums within an hour's drive, but we do have beaches, so a few weeks ago, we found this great bike shop in Newport and went about selecting some rentals for the day.

 

We put Spencer on the back of this beach cruiser, and he rode happily for four hours.  (We're now in the market for one of these.)

   

Riding up and down the beach was the most fun we've had in a long time.  Grace said, "I couldn't stop smiling the whole day.  Everyone must have thought I was weird because I just smiled and smiled and smiled!" (We've lived 35 minutes from here for six years.  Why have we never done this before?)

I don't know why I forget to incorporate more fun into my life.  Maybe it's because I really do enjoy my work, and I don't notice that I'm not getting enough fresh air and downtime.  Maybe it's because I feel guilty when I'm not being "productive."  Or maybe it's because I forget that having a good time with your loved ones is being productive.  

It also might be because for the past five years, I've had some pretty bad health problems, and I spent many, many Saturdays in bed.  This is the first year I have felt really healthy in my entire married life, and I can't even begin to explain the difference. 

I've noticed, though, that my life is simply happier when I take the time (and invest a little money) to have fun.  (Could there BE a more obvious lesson I needed to learn?)

We went to my favorite restaurant after our bike riding, and I took this picture that strikes me at the heart every time I see it:

 

These little children (and my husband) are "the main thing" to me.  My task list will always be full.  There will always be laundry to do and emails to answer and projects to tackle, but these children are growing up way too fast, and I never want them to wonder if they mattered to me more than anything else in the world. 

Would you mind sharing some fun, simple ways that you enjoy time together as a family? 

Love,

April

Podcasting with my Girls

These are my two daughters, Alia and Grace:

 

(This photo was taken on a day they wanted us all to match.) These cute little girls ask every day if they can help with The Power of Moms, and/or work on The Power of Kids (with Saren's children).

Sunday morning, while the boys were playing upstairs, we gathered around our kitchen table and recorded our very first podcast together.  We had such a good time that they're already planning podcast #2. 


Click here to go to our podcast page at The Power of Moms. 

Simple Steps for Helping Children "See Need"

A few months ago, I was lifting a watermelon from the trunk of our minivan when our twelve-year-old neighbor called out, "Hi Miss April!  Do you need some help carrying in your groceries?"

"Sure!"  I responded.  It's not easy to unload the car with a two-year-old running loose, and I welcomed the help.  Within minutes, my kitchen counters were loaded with crackers, milk, salad dressing--you name it--and my cute neighbor headed back to her house.  

"Wow,"  I thought, "Would my children have offered to help someone like that?"  I'd like to think so, but to be quite honest, unless children are taught to see need, it isn't always a natural thing.  As I've spoken with a variety of mothers at our Power of Moms Retreats, it's become clear that we all want our children to be "that" person--the one who's quick to act when a service opportunity presents itself.

Here's a three-step process that has worked wonders in our home: 

Step 1: When you're standing in the middle of a pigsty, give your children the chance to identify what the room needs.

I have a little dry-erase board hanging in my kitchen that makes this into a fun activity.  The children gather by the board, and I ask, "What do we need to do to make our house feel clean?"  Everyone looks around and starts listing things:

• Wipe the banister
• Pick up the toys
• Vacuum the carpet, etc.

I offer some prompts to help them out, and then each child initials which tasks he/she would like to do.  Here's a photo of our "See Need" board...taken as my two-year-old was signing up for his task.

This has been a wonderful way for us to work together--not every single day, but maybe once a week.

Step 2: Offer "Seeing Need" Points when your children take initiative.

I don't always want to be the one dishing out the jobs, so I told my children that if they independently see and act on a need, they can earn special points (one point for taking out the trash, two points for cleaning up a bathroom...they tell me what they did and then we decide on a fair point value).  We then track the points on the dry erase board. 

Sometimes I'll purposely leave out some grocery sacks (minus the refrigerated stuff)...just to see if anyone will notice.

 Step 3: Offer rewards that don't cost a thing.

I think it's important for children to help out around the house simply because they're part of the family.  They don't need to be paid for every little chore, wouldn't you agree?  We brainstormed a list of basically-free items that can be "purchased" with the Seeing Need points. Here are a few:

• 10 Points = 10 Minutes of "screen time"
• 15 Points = A can of soda
• 35 Points = King or Queen for a day
• 100 Points = Pizza-making party with friends

Here are some results that have come from this process:

One afternoon, my son asked if I needed a shoulder massage (which I always do).  Afterward, he brought me a little cup of water, just in case I was thirsty.  SO sweet.

My daughter earned some points in her church class (they can earn points outside the home).  Her teacher was giving a lesson about service, so she intentionally dropped some crayons on the floor to see if any of the students would pick them up.  My daughter said, "Mom, I saw that there was a need, and I was the first one down on the floor to clean up the mess."


My other daughter put away all her brother's laundry because she saw the full basket in his room.  Another day, she cleaned up a pack of cards at the library that had spilled all over the floor.  To see the look on their faces when they see a need is amazing, and really, the points aren't the main motivation.  They're just "extra."

This isn't a fool-proof method.  My house still gets messy, my children "forget" to pick up after themselves, and often they'd rather play basketball or read a book instead of earning Seeing Need Points, but I think this process is laying the foundation for important life lessons. Someday, if you're my neighbor, I hope my children will be the ones to say, "Can we give you a hand with those groceries?"


Do you have any experiences or tips for helping children see need?

The Best Gift I Can Give My Children is My Time

I feel totally strapped for time lately.  The older I get, the more responsibilities I have, and it seems like every moment offers a thousand things to do--all of them "good" uses of my time.  

What I've found, however, is that I find more purpose and meaning in my life when I give my children a gift they crave--uninterrupted time with Mom.

It hasn't been easy to do this, and I'm far from perfect, but here are some things that are working for us right now--even in the midst of our chaos, and even though I'm busier now than I've ever been in my life.

(1) I occasionally let my children alternate who gets to stay up a little bit later for some one-on-one time.  My two-year-old demands it from me all day, so he goes right to bed after our stories, prayers, and lullabies (my FAVORITE time of the day with him...so cute).  Then my three oldest take turns staying up and choosing an activity they want to do for 20-25 minutes.  

One evening, my daughter Alia wanted to look through some coins her great-grandpa gave us for Christmas.  He even gave us this cool magnifying glass you can wear on your head.  Is that not so fun?

I had to take a turn.

We don't always go through boxes of coins.  Sometimes we just sit on my bed and snuggle.  Other times, we play a game, listen to music, or paint our toenails.  And we don't do this every night--maybe once a week.  It's been great, though--a time to build memories and really enjoy being together.

I've discovered that the activity is irrelevant.  What ends up happening is that we talk about things that are on their minds--things like relationships with their friends at school, weird things they've been hearing on the playground, or the "facts of life."  There are so many things my children won't say while I'm dishing up dinner or driving to the park.  The setting has got to be right.

(2)  We alternate "date nights" between mom and dad and each of the children.

Date 1: Dad and Alia
Date 2: Mom and Grace
Date 3: Dad and Ethan
Date 4: Mom and Alia
Date 5: Dad and Grace
Date 6: Mom and Ethan

The budget is $5, the time allotment is about 90 minutes, and the benefits are unbelievable.  We talk about these dates all the time--even though they only happen once or twice a month.  Our family feels close.  We love being together, and we look forward to spending time one-on-one.  I love it.

(3) One final thing I'll mention is that my husband and I both try to take advantage of the "little moments" of the day.  Whenever our children sit down by us, we hug them and kiss them and say, "Do you know how much I love you?"

When someone asks a serious question, we try to drop everything we can to sit and answer it clearly.

When someone feels sad or misunderstood or excited to share something important, we stop and take the time to really listen.

I don't know if I'll ever be perfect at this, but the more I try, the better it gets.  We're juggling messes and whining and bickering and mistakes all day long, but somehow those things don't seem to matter when the most important things are in the right place.

If anyone has any other ideas to add, I'd love to hear them.  I learn so much from my online friends, and I know my children will appreciate any advice you have to offer.  We all will!

My Sweets and Sours

I've finally learned to accept the fact that every day has "sweets" and "sours" (thanks to my friend Tara who wrote a great article for The Power of Moms called, "But What Would My Sour Be?")

Here's a "sour" from last week:

I was having one of those mornings where I was trying to do too many things at once.  I wanted to exercise, clean the house, read with my children, and get everyone looking presentable and out the door by nine.  It didn't happen. 

During our morning clean-up, I asked my daughter to please go out to the garage to clean up her pencil shavings (that somehow got dumped all over the place).  When she got out there, she saw that the freezer door had been left open, and water had leaked all over the floor.  We spent the next 20 minutes emptying the freezer, mopping up water, and trying to be nice to each other--even though we were all feeling quite cranky.   

But then later that day, I had this "sweet":

We went to the park to play baseball, and my daughter Grace picked this dandelion bouquet for me.  I said, "Thank you, Grace, but I don't have anywhere to put it right now."   She said, "Just put it in your pocket!"  So I did.

Every time I looked down, I saw this sweet little gift poking out of the pocket of my jeans.  I couldn't help but smile and think, "This is what motherhood is all about."

Today is another day.  I know there are going to be sours, but I also know there are going to be many, many sweets.  You can't have one without the other, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Coming Up for Air

It's three o'clock, and I JUST showered.  I've been up since 5:30 with Spencer, but with all the before-school chaos, the household work, the non-negotiable spiritual study time, computer work, and the constant chattering of my two-year-old, a shower is a luxury.

I'm coming up for air for five minutes before it's time to jump into our dinner routine; I just feel the need to record the details of life "in the trenches" because someday things won't be this hectic.  I won't have that overwhelming need for a break, I won't be awakened by screaming every morning, and I won't have a little baby in the bathtub with me--pouring shampoo all over the place and splashing soap bubbles in my face.   But for now, my reality is made up of things like:

"Will you open this new toy I got for my birthday?  Here.  You can proofread the thank you notes I wrote to my friends."

"Will you PLEASE call the radio station and dedicate a song to us?"

"I forgot my homework again."

"I want some stash-ee-ohs" (pistachios).

"Can we make a smoothie?"

"I can't find my shorts" (so the basket of clean laundry gets turned upside down to look for them).

"My toe hurts."

"What do I do about this person at school who keeps copying off my papers?"

"I love you."

My family is made up of my best friends.  Yes, they need me all the time, but I thrive on their questions, their ideas, their kisses, and their awesome dance moves.  I think it's all right, however, to acknowledge that every hour is not blissful.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for the past few days, so I'm more tired than usual.  My bedroom is harboring 30 boxes of office supplies that need to be sorted, school is getting out in one month, and I haven't volunteered in the classroom once, our closets are begging to be de-junked, and I haven't even thought about which activities my children would like to do this fall.  The Power of Moms is growing like crazy, and I have a zillion ideas I want to implement there, but I am learning that I have to be patient and put first things first (Mind Organization for Moms has been a HUGE help for me in this area).

It's natural for mothers to want everything to be perfectly pulled together all the time, but even when we're totally organized, totally healthy, and totally focused, life is not going to be perfect.  If you're having a rough time right now, you're not alone.  Let's take a deep breath together, jump back into this incredible process of raising children, and try to do the very best we can.   The work we're doing really does matter.

Life is Like a Game of Candyland...

I just finished writing an article about how life is like Candyland.  And then to celebrate, my son and I ate licorice together (he calls it "lick-a-dish").  Fun, fun memories, but boy, am I tired.  Keeping up with this two-year-old is completely maxing me out.  Fortunately, it's nap time!