The Best Way to ENJOY Your Mom

I'm feeling so much gratitude today . . . and I'm really, really happy.

Thank you, everyone, for your support and encouragement over the past couple of days. 

When I posted "The Best Way to Lose a Mom" on Wednesday, I was in a very hard place.  I felt a bit nervous to share so many personal details in such a public way, but what I've discovered about this online world is that we're here to help each other.  The more we're willing to share what's hard for us, the more we realize that we're not alone, and the less "hard" our lives feel.

So thank you for your comments, your Facebook messages, emails, text messages, and phone calls.  You've helped me shift my perspective from "how to lose a mom" to "how to enjoy your mom." I can't even tell you how grateful I am to have you as my friends.

And now I want to give you a little report so you'll know how you've influenced my life.

Yesterday I took my children out to see my parents for a few hours.  Your words kept ringing in my ears--to savor my time with my mom, to listen to her stories, to hold her, to kiss her, to involve my children, and to realize how precious our time is together.

So I did just that.

We got there in time for her physical therapy appointment, and I made some videos of the exercises so I can help my mom get into a good routine. 

I then sat with my dad on the couch and asked him if he is doing okay.  He insists that everything is fine, and he is quite honestly doing a phenomenal job keeping the house clean, doing all the laundry, cooking the meals, and giving my mom all her medicines, etc.  It's a long list!  I can tell he's tired, but he is so devoted to her, and I think that's inspiring.

We took a walk down Second Street with our dear friend Shirley and had so much fun tasting foods from the various restaurants there.  (They do a "Stroll and Savor" two days a month during the summer, and it is fantastic.  If you get the chance, you must go.)

These boys are always running!

You buy $10 coupon books there, and then you can sample items from the restaurants for $1.50 - $3.  It's great.

 

At times, my mom would say things like, "Tell me the names of your children again." or "I think I left my car parked on the other side of the city."  But overall, she was happy as long as my dad was holding her hand.

The sweetest part of the visit was right before we left.  I brought out a new tub transfer bench to help make bath time easier.  My children settled down to watch a show on TV while I wheeled my mom into the bathroom, helped her undress, slid her feet into the tub, scrubbed her body with a soapy-warm washcloth, and shampooed her hair.

That was the second time I've bathed her, and I'm surprised at how much it feels like the hundreds of times I've given my own children baths. 

She was so appreciative through the entire process, saying things like, "Oh, thank you!  It feels so good to be clean.  My sweet April, you make my life so happy."

When my mom was a little girl and her daddy would get her out of the bathtub, he would say, "Under the wing!  Tickle, tickle, tickle!" when he dried under each of her arms. 

My mom always did the same to me.

And yesterday, I did that to her. 

While I was saying, "Tickle, tickle, tickle!" and helping my mom get dry and warm, I can't even tell you how privileged I felt to be doing such a simple, physical act of service for my mother.  It was just a little thing, and I know my family members who live closer do so much more, but as I stood there in the bathroom, dressing my mom in her nightgown, helping her brush her teeth, and rubbing sweet-smelling lotion on her arms and neck, I thought to myself, "There is nothing in the entire world I would rather be doing right now."

Part of my emotional turmoil lately has been trying to decide where to invest my time.  Power of Moms is growing amazingly well.  We had hundreds of thousands of visitors last month, we have two books being published right now, our volunteer board is growing, and there are so many opportunities to do media appearances, Retreats, collaborative projects, and tons of other details I won't even try to record.

I'm still moving steadily on these projects, but taking a day a week to be with my mom and dad and slowing my life down so that I have time to enjoy my husband and children feels right on every single level. 

As my children and I tucked Mom in bed last night, she said, "Now I'm going to make pancakes and waffles for you tomorrow morning for breakfast.  What time do you want to eat?"

Knowing we were heading home--already way too late, but wanting to play along, I replied, "Oh, about nine."

"All right, nine o'clock it is.  Maybe the children can pick some dandelions or flowers you can spare from your garden, and we can put them in a vase on the table.  I'll lay out a nice tablecloth, and we'll have so much fun together!"

We kissed her cheeks, told her that sounded fabulous, and then slowly crept out to the car so she wouldn't know we were gone.  She won't remember these plans in the morning, but we will make it happen as soon as possible.

This time with my family is "my deeper yes".

This is the life I know I'm supposed to live. 

Not a single day is easy, but I feel a sense of purpose and meaning that honestly makes life a joy.

Thank you for all of your help and support.  Love to all of you--especially as you're going through your own unique challenges.  Maybe you don't feel comfortable sharing yours as openly right now, but I hope you know that you absolutely are not alone.

-April

The Best Way to Lose a Mom

My mom has had dementia for a little over three years now.

It started very subtlety. We were on a girls' weekend when I was speaking at a conference, and she asked me for a second time if we should leave a tip for the hotel maid (we'd already had a two-minute discussion about it). I remember freezing for a moment, wondering if her mind was beginning to go--because, you see, my mom's mom also lost her memory, and since the age of nine, I had been carefully watching the signs to see if it would happen to her.

Well, yesterday my sister Laura and I had a good talk on the phone about this.

Laura lives right across the street from our parents, and, in a recent conversation, she asked Mom if she knew who her children were. Mom was struggling to recall all eight of our names, so Dad took this picture from 1986 off the wall and held it in front of her.

 

"Now there's Bobby and Linda . . ." she started.

Then a pause.

And pointing to me (bottom left), asked, "Now who's 'Smiley Face'?"

"That's April!" My dad reminded her.

"Oh, yes, April. Of course. And who is the little boy?"

"That's Ryan."

"Oh yes, Ryan."

I had to chuckle a bit when Laura shared that story. I could just hear my mom's cute voice and see her trying to figure out our names.

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you this," Laura said.

"No, it's okay." I replied.

"We can laugh a little now, but we need to accept the fact that she's not going to get better. She's eventually going to forget who we are. There's no reversing it."

"I know." I said softly.

But now I can't get that conversation out of my head. I have been thinking about it since yesterday afternoon, and I realized that I need to discover the very best way to lose my mom.

I already know the worst way. It involves lots of crying, lots of discouraging moments, and hours of quiet where I close myself up and mourn.

Some of that is okay, but it worries my children. They don't like to see me so sad, and I know there has got to be a better way to do this.

So through a lot of thinking and a lot of prayer, I've come up with a few solutions, but to be quite honest, this blog post is a bit of a cry for help.  I know so many people who have lost their moms, and I'm hoping that if you are one of them, you can be a guide for me along this path.  And then together, we can be a guide for others.  Maybe even for our own children.

The first thing I decided is that I am going to BE a good mom.

It's so easy to get distracted, but yesterday afternoon, I made root beer slushies for my children, looked through their brand-new yearbooks with them, and simply enjoyed the sounds of laughter as they jumped on the trampoline--with the sprinklers on full force. I am going to do everything I can to savor my years with my sons and daughters because, even though I desperately hope it will never happen to me, there may come a time when I won't know them.

Number two, I'm going to spend as much time with my mom as possible.

I talked with my friend Jennifer at our Park City Retreat, and she told me that she recently lost her mom to cancer. Knowing about my plans to spend more time with my mom, she said, "You will never, ever regret that."

Her words keep coming back into my mind.

Right now I can make the drive about once a week, and it means the world to me.

Number three, I am going to write down the details of her life and all the most beautiful things she taught me--and I am going to use those stories and experiences to help other moms.

This reminder keeps coming to me over and over again: The best way to lose a mom is to use the goodness of her life to strengthen others.

That's one reason I feel grateful for Power of Moms and this blog. I have a place to share my mom's life and her influence, and my posterity will have the chance to know her through me.

Thanks for going through this with me.  For some reason, even though I don't know who reads this, I feel comforted knowing you're out there.  I appreciate any advice and wisdom you have to share.

Much love,
April

Studio 5 Interview - "Mommy is a Person"

Right before our Park City Retreat last week, I had the opportunity to be on a TV show called Studio 5 to record a segment based on a post I wrote called "Mommy is a Person."

You can click this image and select the second video, if you'd like to watch it.

It was a great experience, and I took lots of "behind the scenes" photos, but before I go into that, I want to share a couple of quick stories.

When I was in second grade, we were instructed to create clay figurines and then write stories about them.  I made a seal and wrote up a full page about "Sammy the Seal."

When it was time to read our stories aloud to the class, I shoved mine to the back of my desk and told my teacher I hadn't completed my assignment.  I preferred to take a zero than stand up in front of that class.

In fifth grade, I was asked to give a two-minute talk in front of the other children at church.  My mom wrote my talk for me, and as soon as I got to my Sunday School class, I promptly slipped it into the trash can.

I told my instructor that I had sadly lost my talk and couldn't remember enough to say anything in front of the group.

She found it in the trash can and said, "Here it is!  Now you can give it."

To which I responded, "No thank you."

She didn't pressure me at all, but simply said, "Do you mind if I read it?" 

No problem there, so I sat at the back of the room on my mom's lap and listened as my teacher read my talk.  For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to get up there.

Over the course of 24 years, I've somewhat-overcome my fear of speaking in public.  I present at Power of Moms Retreats, and I am constantly recording videos and podcasts,  but these stories from my childhood came roaring back into my mind when I was preparing to be on television.  Total anxiety for days.

I tell you this because when I do a write-up about a media appearance, I want to be perfectly clear that this is not something I do because it's fun or easy for me (although there is definitely an element of fun to it).  I do this because I believe in Power of Moms and I want to spread the word about ideas and resources that help mothers.

So now that we're on the same page, here's a little photo walk-through of my day. (And for those of you who would like to do more media appearances, I've included some ideas for you below.)

Alisha Gale, our chief editor at Power of Moms, and I flew in at just about the same time on Friday morning.  Neither of us had much sleep the night before, but we made it, and here we are at the car rental area.  (I don't know why I feel the need to photo-document all these little steps, but I think it does make it easier to tell the story.)

We drove a few miles to the TV studio (I, of course, got lost and ended up in an abandoned train yard) but we eventually met up with my sister Page in the parking garage for Studio 5.

I can't tell you how comforting it was to have my sister and Alisha with me.  I so appreciate them.

We got buzzed into the studio and made our way to the make-up room . . . past this control room that looks so fun. 

Page helped me curl my hair and loaned me some of her jewelry for the recording.

And then one of the producers (a darling lady named Mindy), came in to prep me for my segment.

I was kind of laughing because it felt so "Hollywood."  Sitting at a mirror surrounded with light bulbs, doing my hair and make-up, talking to a producer, and preparing for an interview on TV.  That was pretty fun, I must say.  I was trying to act like a professional, but inside I felt like a little girl, totally enthralled with everything around me.  (Eric keeps reminding me that I am a professional now.  I just keep forgetting.)

Here's a snapshot of me and Alisha:

And then one final picture before it was time to go to the "green room."

Those who are waiting to go on the show sit here and watch the live TV broadcast.  The Studio 5 staff brought us water bottles, made sure we felt ready to go on, and were so incredibly kind to us.

A few minutes before my segment, they brought me into the studio so they could put on my microphone and let me get situated at the table.

Here's a panorama of the studio (well, half of it).  I was really feeling excited at this point.

Brooke Walker, one of the main hosts of Studio 5, joined me at the table right before they started filming our segment.  She's been on the show for eight years and does a fabulous job.  Honestly, filming a one-hour live TV show five days a week, with a variety of guests and topics, is incredibly demanding.  I admire her talents in this area.

Once we started filming, everything felt very comfortable.  Brooke reminded me not to look at the cameras, but just to have a conversation with her.  Those 8 minutes went by so fast, and she made it totally doable for me. (Thanks Brooke!)

After we finished, I took off my microphone . . .

smiled a sigh of relief (along with the cameraman) . . .

and then got to meet Camille from Six Sisters' Stuff on my way out.  She was filming a segment on how to make a Cinnabon Cinnamon Roll Cake, which my children are now dying for us to have someday.

That was it!  We then made our way back out to the parking garage . . . stopping to take a couple more photos:

Then we moved on to the other activities we'd planned for the day, and I started breathing a little deeper. 

Before I close, I just want to provide a few ideas for those who would like to do more work with the media.  Here's the basic process we went through:

(1) A couple of years ago, our PR Manager at Power of Moms, Laurie Brooks, emailed Studio 5 with a synopsis of what we do at Power of Moms, particularly highlighting our Learning Circles.

(2) After a few months (from what I remember), they asked us if they could record a segment about an actual Learning Circle.  You can see it here.

(3) Then, over the last year or so, Studio 5 has occasionally come back to us for other interviews about our featured content.

This is my interview from last April when my post, Your Children Want YOU! went viral.

Here's Saren's great interview about loving every age and stage.

And another one by Saren about simple family practices that promote values.

Allyson Reynolds has been on there three times, talking about being the "perfect mother," cutting Dad some slack, and appreciating the "now."

I don't have an extraordinary amount of media experience, but if you feel like your current project would be great as a feature on TV or radio, I would definitely recommend that you do the following:

(1) Establish a solid platform of people who like what you do.  Get feedback, make sure that what you're doing meets a need, and become an expert in your field.

(2) Contact local media outlets with press releases featuring the details about what you're doing.  Follow up with phone calls and talk with contacts who may be willing to help you.

(3) Be patient and keep pursuing your passion.  Saren and I decided long ago that we wanted to build Power of Moms because it was the right thing for us to do--not because we were hoping to get noticed in the process.  Media appearances are wonderful, but we have to love the work we are doing.

(4) Continue to pitch ideas and develop content that offers a fresh perspective and interesting ideas.  TV shows are craving good content.  Help them do their job.

(5) When you are asked to do an interview, guest post, etc., make sure you're pleasant to work with.  (Promptly reply to emails, show up on time, help promote the media outlet to your audience . . .)  That makes it easy for them to ask you back.

I hope these ideas are at least a little bit helpful.  I decided that if I am going to blog, I am going to make everything I write about as replicable as possible.  I want to be sure I'm never setting myself up as someone trying to get attention or pretend like I'm better than anyone else.  Because I know I'm not.  I'm just trying to make a difference and help other moms.

Thanks for all your support.

Love,
April

Report on the Park City Retreat

I just returned from a beautiful weekend at Richard and Linda Eyre's home where we held our Park City Power of Moms Retreat.

This Retreat was particularly special because (1) we also held our annual Power of Moms Board Gathering where I got to meet with 20 of my dearest friends (some for the very first time!) and (2) this was my last Retreat for awhile as I'm simplifying my schedule so I can spend more time with my mom (she's home from the rehabilitation center now!).

Here are some photos from the Retreat:

First, Andrea Davis and Rachel Nielson.  Andrea works on our Book Team, and Rachel is one of our editors.  This was my first time meeting both of them.  Such a treat!

Tiffany Sowby (our wonderful Retreat Manager and Trainer Manager), and Dawn Wessman, our Bloom Manager.

Here are Saren and Rachelle (Rachelle does our spotlights and was the professional photographer at the event):

And here's Elsje Denison (from our dedicated editing team), Rachel, and Jessee Ure (one of our newest board members!):

Mary Croxford and Megan Stewart work with our Monthly Value:

And this is JaNae Messick, our Mind Organization for Moms Team Leader, who is also planning the D.C. Retreat with Saren, and Lacy Anderson, who has worked with our podcasts and is jumping into some new roles on our board:

Koni Smith handles every email that comes in through our "Contact Us" form, which is a huge help on a daily basis, and Alisha (on the right) is our Content Manager, which means that all submissions go straight to her.  (She and I got to travel together, and it was so fun!)

Here are the board members who fit at this main table (thank you Eyres for welcoming us into your home!).  Allyson Reynolds, who runs our Motherhood Matters blog, Christy Elder, our podcast editor, and Anna Jenkins, our Publications Manager and "Scholarship" Coordinator, weren't pictured above, so you can see them below (far right, peeking out from the middle, and far left):

Koni, JaNae, Saren, Lacy, Linda, and I sat across the kitchen at this table.

We enjoyed a lovely dinner and had a two-hour board meeting, where we discussed ways we can help Power of Moms better serve the mothers of the world.  SO many ideas.  (I'm still processing them!)

Here's our new photo for our Board Page (But oh, how we need the other half of our board in there.  Next year . . .):

After our meeting, we just talked and talked, set up chairs for the Retreat the next day, and took pictures together.

Here's me and Dawn:

And Me and Allyson:

We stayed up way too late chatting, but it was so much fun to hang out in our pajamas and just enjoy time with people we never get to see in person!

Saturday morning, we were up bright and early to get ready for the Retreat.  More than 80 people came, and it was spectacular.

Saren and I slipped out to the front porch to take a quick photo together:

Someday we're going to be grandmas, and we're going to talk about those "good old days" when we were young mothers putting on so many events.

This is me and JaNae, who I have been emailing for months, and I felt like I already knew her.  It was an instant friendship once we finally got to connect in person.

And just one more of me and Rachelle.  Rachelle is one of those people who is so thoughtful.  She sends me encouraging text messages, mails a card for my birthday, and just watches out for me.  I feel such a sisterhood with these ladies.

Every time I see a room full of deliberate mothers ready to start a Retreat, it takes my breath away. 

Tiffany did a fantastic job talking about being "Fabulously Ordinary."  Have you read her post?  It touched my heart deeply.

Incredible mothers.  As I look through these pictures and reflect on my conversations with them, I am honestly in awe.

We spent the morning talking about Peace, Purpose, Order, and Joy--the themes in our Power of Moms book (if you don't have a copy, Sunday is the very last day to get this first edition!).  These women are so insightful.

In the afternoon, we talked about Family Systems, and we had a few husbands join us (because it's so much better to talk about these ideas with your spouse, if possible).  I loved meeting them.

A Power of Moms Retreat is always full of discussions.  That's why I like these so much.  Everyone gets a chance to teach, and often it's the ideas learned in the small groups that really hit home.

At the end of the Retreat, we have to say our "Goodbyes," which are always the hardest for me. 

We take photos with our new friends. There are lots of hugs.  Occasionally we get to hear some of the stories these mothers are carrying in their hearts. 

This is me and Sarah, who was in my freshman dorm back in 1996.  I LOVE these mini-reunions and only wish we had more time to talk.

It was fun to finally meet Kirsten and Brooke from The Crafting Chicks.  There are so many sharp women building online communities.  I appreciate the chances we have to connect.

This is just about half of our editing team (Elsje, Rachel, Anna, Alisha, and Sarah).  It's so funny that we work together just about every single day, but we only see each other once a year.  These women are the ones who make the daily content on Power of Moms happen.

I had to snap a photo with Linda Eyre, one of the most influential women in my life.

I never dreamed in a million years that her daughter would become one of my very best friends and that we would be working together to strengthen mothers and families.

This is a dream come true for me.

And now I'm back home with my husband and children--living through all the chaos that is inherent with family life.  I've been exhausted and kind of grumpy and a little overwhelmed, but in spite of all our imperfections, this is my number one dream. I'm grateful to be part of a family.